A Natural Longing - To Be Emotionally Close
When people come to marriage therapy they usually present with a primary issue such as communication or trust.
The primary issue is usually talked about in general ways, until a therapist is able to drill down to a more specific outline of the issue.
Often it is discovered, through the clinical interview, that the primary issue is in fact not the real primary issue.
Instead, it turns out to be a secondary issue, or a spin-off of the primary issue.
An example of this is a couple who present with "bad communication" as their primary issue.
After spending time with their therapist, it is uncovered that the couple's 16 year old son has a stronger relationship with the husband than the wife.
The husband says his wife has been emotionally absent for their son.
She agrees and says that she has tried, but never understood the husband's "tight relationship" with their son.
She blames her husband for not pushing their son back to her, for motherly support, at critical times.
During their appointment, it's dismissively identified that the wife drinks at least a bottle of wine a night and has for 14 years.
She says her husband just doesn't understand the pressure she has in her life and that's what causes their "bad communication.
" In this example, the couple presents with multiple issues in addition what they identify as their primary issue; their poor communication, the husband's protective relationship with the son over his relationship with his wife, the wife's distance from the son, the wife's excessive alcohol consumption and the husband not understanding the pressures of the wife.
It's often challenging to know which came first and an inexperienced therapist could easily get caught up chasing any one of these issues as the root cause.
However, if you look at these presenting issues through the lens of attachment, the primary issue becomes much clearer.
According to Dr.
Sue Johnson, secure attachment, answers these questions in the affirmative; "Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need you or when I call? Do I matter to you?" Without secure attachment in our intimate relationships, the alarm system in our brain is continuously going off causing us to feel "in danger.
" (The Limbic System in our brain doesn't distinguish physical from emotional danger.
) This alarm signals the rest of the body to be on high alert, to fight or flight.
As a way to self sooth, our response may be to become demanding and clinging or withdrawn and detached from our significant relationships.
At the core, all are different ways of expressing, "I need you", "please, be with me", or, "I'm going to protect myself and I won't let you hurt me".
Often when couples or individuals come to therapy, they ignore their inherent human need to be emotionally close, as this may somehow define them as co-dependent, needy or weak.
Instead they focus on the actions or re-actions that manifest from their insecure attachments such as anger, fighting, bad communication, anxiety or depression.
While these are certainly real expressions of primary concerns for couples and individuals, they are often an expression of attachment.
When treated properly, understanding and change can occur more quickly and with more permanence.
A skilled and trained clinician can assess for attachment issues and move people more successfully and quickly to lasting solutions.
The primary issue is usually talked about in general ways, until a therapist is able to drill down to a more specific outline of the issue.
Often it is discovered, through the clinical interview, that the primary issue is in fact not the real primary issue.
Instead, it turns out to be a secondary issue, or a spin-off of the primary issue.
An example of this is a couple who present with "bad communication" as their primary issue.
After spending time with their therapist, it is uncovered that the couple's 16 year old son has a stronger relationship with the husband than the wife.
The husband says his wife has been emotionally absent for their son.
She agrees and says that she has tried, but never understood the husband's "tight relationship" with their son.
She blames her husband for not pushing their son back to her, for motherly support, at critical times.
During their appointment, it's dismissively identified that the wife drinks at least a bottle of wine a night and has for 14 years.
She says her husband just doesn't understand the pressure she has in her life and that's what causes their "bad communication.
" In this example, the couple presents with multiple issues in addition what they identify as their primary issue; their poor communication, the husband's protective relationship with the son over his relationship with his wife, the wife's distance from the son, the wife's excessive alcohol consumption and the husband not understanding the pressures of the wife.
It's often challenging to know which came first and an inexperienced therapist could easily get caught up chasing any one of these issues as the root cause.
However, if you look at these presenting issues through the lens of attachment, the primary issue becomes much clearer.
According to Dr.
Sue Johnson, secure attachment, answers these questions in the affirmative; "Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need you or when I call? Do I matter to you?" Without secure attachment in our intimate relationships, the alarm system in our brain is continuously going off causing us to feel "in danger.
" (The Limbic System in our brain doesn't distinguish physical from emotional danger.
) This alarm signals the rest of the body to be on high alert, to fight or flight.
As a way to self sooth, our response may be to become demanding and clinging or withdrawn and detached from our significant relationships.
At the core, all are different ways of expressing, "I need you", "please, be with me", or, "I'm going to protect myself and I won't let you hurt me".
Often when couples or individuals come to therapy, they ignore their inherent human need to be emotionally close, as this may somehow define them as co-dependent, needy or weak.
Instead they focus on the actions or re-actions that manifest from their insecure attachments such as anger, fighting, bad communication, anxiety or depression.
While these are certainly real expressions of primary concerns for couples and individuals, they are often an expression of attachment.
When treated properly, understanding and change can occur more quickly and with more permanence.
A skilled and trained clinician can assess for attachment issues and move people more successfully and quickly to lasting solutions.
