How Do You Know If Your Divorce is Really a Blessing in Disguise?
If you are moving through a difficult divorce right now, and trying to cope with overwhelmingly painful emotions, it is probably inconceivable for you to feel you are living through the birth of a blessing.
A blessing is supposed to feel good, right? It's supposed to make one feel appreciative and thankful, isn't it? Yes, a blessing is all these things - in its final form.
But, a blessing must travel a path.
It may not happen overnight.
It may not preclude a painful road.
It may not even be recognizable as a blessing in its early stages.
And, in the end, a blessing has to be seen in order to be appreciated.
Many people express shock when their spouse asks for a divorce.
"I didn't see it coming," is the anguished cry.
Yet, the warning signs that their partner was beginning to, or would eventually, withdraw from the relationship typically have been there and visible to a practiced eye.
Some of the more common warning signs that can spell doom for a relationship or marriage: 1 Abuse and other mistreatment's occur 2 Disappointments and let downs abound, they're just often ignored 3 Don't see eye to eye on important issues 4 Emotional needs not in sync 5 No mutual desire to make each other happy 6 Different personality types - negative vs positive; relaxed vs type A 7 Marriage one of convenience 8 The love has been gone for years - and tolerance had replaced love 9 There wasn't a good balance between companionship, sex, responsibilities 10 Couple living separate lives only coming together to "check in" 11 Fault finding occurs more often than true compliments 12 Lack of commitment to the partner or relationship; adultery 13 Feeling of freedom when the other partner not around 14 Imbalanced libido between partners 15 Constant bickering, fighting, arguing, silent treatments The list above is not all inclusive.
There are variations to the common themes and each couple creates their own unique set of circumstances.
Divorce is seldom, if ever, a spontaneous event.
In most cases the decision to divorce is reached after contemplation and reflection; when one partner sees it as the best solution to a problem they face, i.
e.
, they are unhappy, or frustrated, or don't feel connected anymore and want something different for themselves.
The simple truth is if your spouse asked you for a divorce, they had already begun the process of divorcing you in their heart and minds before the actual request.
Excluding you from the beginning speaks to another imbalance in the relationship.
For this reason, because of the time they have already invested in arriving at their decision, crying, pleading, begging, giving in to concessions, will probably have no impact on your spouse's decision, at least not initially, and maybe not ever, since your spouse didn't come to this decision lightly.
The sooner you can move from denial regarding what caused the breakup, "I didn't see it coming," to accepting the fact that something was not clicking properly in your marriage, the sooner you'll be able to either fix things, offer real change to your spouse, if they are responsive, or letting go and focusing on the task of disentangling your lives together in a way that supports and sustains you, yet minimizes grief to the innocent bystanders like your children, family and friends.
Find quiet time and examine your marriage with the above list in mind, either alone or with a counselor or friend; whatever works best for you and your situation.
Read books on the topic.
Shore up your emotional reserves with inspirational readings and daily support exercises.
During this quiet time reflect on your relationship with your spouse and the quality of your marriage.
Did any of the above considerations exist? Were there other contributing things not listed above? Make a list of the issues you come up with.
Be honest with yourself.
Were you entirely happy or were you just settling in your own way? Did you give it your all or did you contribute to the disconnection that was occurring? The same for your spouse.
Did they give it their all.
In other words, was the relationship in its present form healthy enough to truly nurture a loving relationship between two people? Or, was it not? This exercise may be painful initially, but if you approach it with the intention of being objective, it will yield insights valuable to you on your road to recovery.
It will help you see if there is a foundation between you and your spouse worth fighting for; or perhaps, instead, you will see the opportunity to find happiness down another path after some adjustment and emotional work.
In other words, exploring your pre-divorce relationship in more detail, having your eyes opened to what was, may help you see the birth of a blessing you wouldn't have seen otherwise.
You can work with this new clarity and understanding, and some day you will see the blessing in its final form.
A blessing is supposed to feel good, right? It's supposed to make one feel appreciative and thankful, isn't it? Yes, a blessing is all these things - in its final form.
But, a blessing must travel a path.
It may not happen overnight.
It may not preclude a painful road.
It may not even be recognizable as a blessing in its early stages.
And, in the end, a blessing has to be seen in order to be appreciated.
Many people express shock when their spouse asks for a divorce.
"I didn't see it coming," is the anguished cry.
Yet, the warning signs that their partner was beginning to, or would eventually, withdraw from the relationship typically have been there and visible to a practiced eye.
Some of the more common warning signs that can spell doom for a relationship or marriage: 1 Abuse and other mistreatment's occur 2 Disappointments and let downs abound, they're just often ignored 3 Don't see eye to eye on important issues 4 Emotional needs not in sync 5 No mutual desire to make each other happy 6 Different personality types - negative vs positive; relaxed vs type A 7 Marriage one of convenience 8 The love has been gone for years - and tolerance had replaced love 9 There wasn't a good balance between companionship, sex, responsibilities 10 Couple living separate lives only coming together to "check in" 11 Fault finding occurs more often than true compliments 12 Lack of commitment to the partner or relationship; adultery 13 Feeling of freedom when the other partner not around 14 Imbalanced libido between partners 15 Constant bickering, fighting, arguing, silent treatments The list above is not all inclusive.
There are variations to the common themes and each couple creates their own unique set of circumstances.
Divorce is seldom, if ever, a spontaneous event.
In most cases the decision to divorce is reached after contemplation and reflection; when one partner sees it as the best solution to a problem they face, i.
e.
, they are unhappy, or frustrated, or don't feel connected anymore and want something different for themselves.
The simple truth is if your spouse asked you for a divorce, they had already begun the process of divorcing you in their heart and minds before the actual request.
Excluding you from the beginning speaks to another imbalance in the relationship.
For this reason, because of the time they have already invested in arriving at their decision, crying, pleading, begging, giving in to concessions, will probably have no impact on your spouse's decision, at least not initially, and maybe not ever, since your spouse didn't come to this decision lightly.
The sooner you can move from denial regarding what caused the breakup, "I didn't see it coming," to accepting the fact that something was not clicking properly in your marriage, the sooner you'll be able to either fix things, offer real change to your spouse, if they are responsive, or letting go and focusing on the task of disentangling your lives together in a way that supports and sustains you, yet minimizes grief to the innocent bystanders like your children, family and friends.
Find quiet time and examine your marriage with the above list in mind, either alone or with a counselor or friend; whatever works best for you and your situation.
Read books on the topic.
Shore up your emotional reserves with inspirational readings and daily support exercises.
During this quiet time reflect on your relationship with your spouse and the quality of your marriage.
Did any of the above considerations exist? Were there other contributing things not listed above? Make a list of the issues you come up with.
Be honest with yourself.
Were you entirely happy or were you just settling in your own way? Did you give it your all or did you contribute to the disconnection that was occurring? The same for your spouse.
Did they give it their all.
In other words, was the relationship in its present form healthy enough to truly nurture a loving relationship between two people? Or, was it not? This exercise may be painful initially, but if you approach it with the intention of being objective, it will yield insights valuable to you on your road to recovery.
It will help you see if there is a foundation between you and your spouse worth fighting for; or perhaps, instead, you will see the opportunity to find happiness down another path after some adjustment and emotional work.
In other words, exploring your pre-divorce relationship in more detail, having your eyes opened to what was, may help you see the birth of a blessing you wouldn't have seen otherwise.
You can work with this new clarity and understanding, and some day you will see the blessing in its final form.
