Coming Out to Your Husband: Dana"s Story
by Dana
I knew I was a lesbian in high school
I came out to my husband after eight years of marriage (and two kids). I had known I was a lesbian in high school, but when I met my husband, I thought that I might be able to make a marriage work with him. All those years of social programming, and my family's disapproval of my being gay, led me to believe that I could be straight if I just tried hard enough.
I was good at putting my feelings for women aside, in a neat little box in my mind, that I didn't open again (despite some intense friendships and seriously sexual dreams) until I met N. She was an out and proud, in your face kind of lesbian, the type who doesn't apologize for who or what she is. She had a way of boldly occupying space, that, as I watched her, I realized I hadn't seen in all my years of marriage and housewifery and mommyhood--and even more importantly, I realized that I was no longer that way.
I had to get to know her. I had to be with her. We became friends, and then I confessed my crush on her, and she said she couldn't be with me, and my heart broke. A few days later, she kissed me. And then I told my husband I was leaving my marriage.
Dana's Husband Realizes She is a Lesbian
If I could do it over, I would have told him when my emotions weren't so high, and when there wasn't someone else involved. I would have rather told him calmly that I had realized that I was still gay and could no longer stay in the marriage.
Instead, he figured it out for himself, that I was in love with N. (I didn't even realize it until he said it). He was devastated. And he saw my relationship with her as an affair, which made it easier for him to just be angry at me for what I had done, instead of understanding how difficult it had been to face up to what I was feeling.
We had been having problems already, and I had been considering leaving for nearly a year before this happened. Until I met N., I had been willing to keep trying, but when I met her, everything changed so much for me (and I couldn't un-know what I had discovered), that I stopped trying to make things work with my husband.
I wish I hadn't hurt him
I also don't know if I could have done it any other way. There was nothing premeditated--it just unfolded, and bubbled over, and burst out of me. I wish I hadn't hurt him as much as I did. But I don't know, too, if another way would have been less hurtful, really. Is there any good way to tell your husband that not only are you leaving your marriage, but you've realized that you're a lesbian? I held in what I was discovering, kept my feelings to myself as it was happening, because I hoped it would go away just as unexpectedly as it had come, and I could see that telling him when I wasn't sure would do damage that might be avoidable. Maybe I was wrong about that. Maybe I should have told him as I was discovering my feelings.
The one thing I do know is that I have never, ever regretted making the leap from being a married soccer mom, to being an out and proud, in your face kind of lesbian. Even if I did it less gracefully than I could have, I still would do it all over again. I feel like a whole person again. I am genuine. I know who I am. And I don't apologize for it anymore.
--Dana, Juneau, Alaska
I knew I was a lesbian in high school
I came out to my husband after eight years of marriage (and two kids). I had known I was a lesbian in high school, but when I met my husband, I thought that I might be able to make a marriage work with him. All those years of social programming, and my family's disapproval of my being gay, led me to believe that I could be straight if I just tried hard enough.
I was good at putting my feelings for women aside, in a neat little box in my mind, that I didn't open again (despite some intense friendships and seriously sexual dreams) until I met N. She was an out and proud, in your face kind of lesbian, the type who doesn't apologize for who or what she is. She had a way of boldly occupying space, that, as I watched her, I realized I hadn't seen in all my years of marriage and housewifery and mommyhood--and even more importantly, I realized that I was no longer that way.
I had to get to know her. I had to be with her. We became friends, and then I confessed my crush on her, and she said she couldn't be with me, and my heart broke. A few days later, she kissed me. And then I told my husband I was leaving my marriage.
Dana's Husband Realizes She is a Lesbian
If I could do it over, I would have told him when my emotions weren't so high, and when there wasn't someone else involved. I would have rather told him calmly that I had realized that I was still gay and could no longer stay in the marriage.
Instead, he figured it out for himself, that I was in love with N. (I didn't even realize it until he said it). He was devastated. And he saw my relationship with her as an affair, which made it easier for him to just be angry at me for what I had done, instead of understanding how difficult it had been to face up to what I was feeling.
We had been having problems already, and I had been considering leaving for nearly a year before this happened. Until I met N., I had been willing to keep trying, but when I met her, everything changed so much for me (and I couldn't un-know what I had discovered), that I stopped trying to make things work with my husband.
I wish I hadn't hurt him
I also don't know if I could have done it any other way. There was nothing premeditated--it just unfolded, and bubbled over, and burst out of me. I wish I hadn't hurt him as much as I did. But I don't know, too, if another way would have been less hurtful, really. Is there any good way to tell your husband that not only are you leaving your marriage, but you've realized that you're a lesbian? I held in what I was discovering, kept my feelings to myself as it was happening, because I hoped it would go away just as unexpectedly as it had come, and I could see that telling him when I wasn't sure would do damage that might be avoidable. Maybe I was wrong about that. Maybe I should have told him as I was discovering my feelings.
The one thing I do know is that I have never, ever regretted making the leap from being a married soccer mom, to being an out and proud, in your face kind of lesbian. Even if I did it less gracefully than I could have, I still would do it all over again. I feel like a whole person again. I am genuine. I know who I am. And I don't apologize for it anymore.
--Dana, Juneau, Alaska