I have a Crush on My AA Sponor
Question: I'm 41, unhappily married with two children and to tell you the truth, I have never thought of myself as gay or bi. But for some reason, I am questioning that now. I'll be honest, I've been through a lot of crap over the past 10-plus years and ended up abusing pain medication, then alcohol. Well, I'm in AA now and absolutely love it. I have a sponsor that is helping me some but I am finding that I think about her all the time.
I try to find ways to spend time with her. She is an affectionate person and being the insecure person I am, I love it when I get hugs from her.
I save her voicemails because she always ends them with "I Love You". Of course, she says that to all her friends and sponsees. Sometimes I see her holding hands with another woman in the group or she will have her arm another woman and I find myself wishing that were me. Oh by the way, she is happily married.
I've never kissed a girl on the lips and actually not sure I would, but this is really weird for me to be thinking of a girl like this. Would you be able to tell me anything about this?
Getting Clean Karen
For someone who has been in unfulfilling relationships, the kind of support and attention an AA sponsor gives is unlike anything you’ve experienced before.
A sponsor is kind of like a therapist, she is there for you, always has your best interest at heart, cares for you and offers great advice. Of course you’re developing strong feelings for her. She is providing a service that is invaluable to you right now.
But, as I’m sure you’re aware, dating a sponsor or sponsee is highly discouraged in AA. As a matter of fact, in your first year of recovery you are discouraged from getting involved in any new relationship, because you should be focusing your energy on your own path and healing.
I encourage you to continue to explore your sexuality. A crush or attraction to your sponsor does not necessarily mean you are lesbian or bi, but you might be. The important thing here is to keep working on your sobriety. Usually an attraction like this, even if you do not pursue it, is seen as not helpful to your recovery. It is distracting from the work you need to do on yourself. It is probably a good idea for you to get a new sponsor at this time.
I try to find ways to spend time with her. She is an affectionate person and being the insecure person I am, I love it when I get hugs from her.
I save her voicemails because she always ends them with "I Love You". Of course, she says that to all her friends and sponsees. Sometimes I see her holding hands with another woman in the group or she will have her arm another woman and I find myself wishing that were me. Oh by the way, she is happily married.
I've never kissed a girl on the lips and actually not sure I would, but this is really weird for me to be thinking of a girl like this. Would you be able to tell me anything about this?
Getting Clean Karen
Dear Karen:
Often times when people become sober, they discover parts of themselves that were previously hidden or suppressed by the drug or alcohol use. I think it's important that you are looking at yourself, getting clean and questioning your sexual orientation.For someone who has been in unfulfilling relationships, the kind of support and attention an AA sponsor gives is unlike anything you’ve experienced before.
A sponsor is kind of like a therapist, she is there for you, always has your best interest at heart, cares for you and offers great advice. Of course you’re developing strong feelings for her. She is providing a service that is invaluable to you right now.
But, as I’m sure you’re aware, dating a sponsor or sponsee is highly discouraged in AA. As a matter of fact, in your first year of recovery you are discouraged from getting involved in any new relationship, because you should be focusing your energy on your own path and healing.
I encourage you to continue to explore your sexuality. A crush or attraction to your sponsor does not necessarily mean you are lesbian or bi, but you might be. The important thing here is to keep working on your sobriety. Usually an attraction like this, even if you do not pursue it, is seen as not helpful to your recovery. It is distracting from the work you need to do on yourself. It is probably a good idea for you to get a new sponsor at this time.